My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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