you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
