i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
