You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
