I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
