i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
