Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
