Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
