She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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