those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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