Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
