he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
