My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
