I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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