It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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