i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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