He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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