You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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