at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
