dude i'm inner monologue high
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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