that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
