Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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