My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I cannot find my penis.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
