you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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