Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I wish there were birth control emojis
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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