WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
