he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
