I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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