we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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