You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
