wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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