He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
