one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
