Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
