i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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