I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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