Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize