I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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