I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
