I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
