Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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