You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
