we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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