I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
