You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
