i think my tv is drunk
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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