Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
