Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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