and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
