genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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