did you get engaged???
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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