I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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