I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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