i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
