She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
