i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
