it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
