You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
