you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
