Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
